Orphan’s allowance

• Hide nothing, tell the truth 

Talk to the child. It’s best to involve children as much as possible, regardless how young. Make no mistake, they can sense when you’re hiding something. You certainly won’t help them by not talking about it: this will only make their grief process more difficult in the long run. Explain what’s going on and be as honest as possible. Create a safe environment in which to break the bad news. Try to express the message clearly and concisely, and use words that the child will understand. Make clear that the deceased parent is never coming back, no matter how hard that may seem. “Daddy has gone to sleep forever” can give the impression that their father might wake up at some point. Or it may make the child frightened to go to sleep, because: ‘who knows, they might also not wake up again.’   

• Visit the deceased parent  

Give the child the opportunity to visit their deceased mum or dad and say goodbye. However, don’t force them if they aren’t ready or don’t want to. But do talk about it. Perhaps the child is scared and you can help allay their fears. Allow the child to attend the funeral service. It won’t harm them; rather it will teach them that grief is part of life. Make sure that you give the child plenty of comfort and support. 

• Keep the memories alive 

It’s extremely important that children remember and continue to understand that mum and/or dad loved them very much. Making a memory box (filled with photos, a book, card or letter and other mementos) is a good way to reinforce this. It provides tangible memories of the parent who has died. Terminally ill parents can create this memory box themselves. Continue talking about the deceased parent, particularly at important events. 

• Listen  

Make sure the child knows that it’s okay to talk about their loss. And that it's all right to ask questions about their parent’s death. We tend to avoid discussing difficult subjects with children, mistakenly believing that it’s in their best interests. But they, too, need to be able to process their grief. And grief doesn't disappear by keeping silent. Children usually want to talk about their feelings, just in a different way from adults. If they hesitate or refuse, then give them the necessary space. Perhaps they find it easier to express their emotions through a drawing, for example. So listen carefully to the language that the child is using.  

• Trust in the resilience of children 

Have faith in the child: children often cope with difficulties better than we think. But, at the same time, make sure that they receive plenty of love and affection. Don’t be afraid to show that you're also feeling sad and miss the person who has died. Cry, cuddle, comfort ... be there for each other.